No matter how much you like the other person, at some point, conflict is likely to happen. While most conflicts are fairly small (like trying to decide where to go out for dinner), left untended a conflict can fester and grow. That’s why it’s so important to resolve conflicts in your relationships before they have a chance to take on a life of their own.
How do you go about doing that?
1. Start by listening. But don’t just listen to the spoken words, but the feelings behind them. It’s the emotions that drive the conversation after all! By listening actively, meaning pausing to ask questions, clarify, and to reiterate what you think the other person is meaning, you tell the other person that what they have to say matters. More importantly, you’re letting them know that they’re being heard and you care what they have to say.
2. Look for the resolution over being right. Giving up the notion that you have to ‘win’ is where you start seeing the solutions. Conflict is not a competition, it is a way to air issues, clear the air, express pent up feelings and desires and come up with solutions that matter to both of you.
3. Stay in the moment. Instead of focusing on what happened that brought you into this conflict, pay attention to what’s going on right now. You do not have to agree with what is being said, you need to listen to understand what is going on for the other person. Now isn’t the time for blame or telling the other person they are wrong, it is a time for compassion and understanding what is happening for them. You will have your turn to share after they have been heard and understood. Stay present and actively listen.
4. Decide what’s important right now. That is called ‘picking your battles’ and is important in determining whether a thing is worth fighting over. Ask yourself if this is just an issue over a minor annoyance that will can easily be let go or forgotten, or is there something deeper going on that maybe needs to be addressed.
5. Know how and when to disengage. That means being able to do what it takes to walk away or take a break and get to a place where you can listen again. It might be forgiveness is in order. It might be that you’re just going to need to agree to disagree. It might be time just to let the matter go entirely and to come back to it when you both have cooler heads. If letting it go for now is the resolution make sure you set a time to come back to it because letting things fester only leads to more conflict. Be respectful and patient while listening to understand if you can’t do that take a break even if it is just for 15 min. Whatever the case, there’s nothing to be gained by staying in the conflict unless you are both willing to look for resolutions.
Resolving conflicts isn’t a hard skill to learn. By following these tips, you will discover how better to deal with conflict in every kind of relationship – whether business or personal. So take heart – a misunderstanding doesn’t have to mean the end of the world. Instead look at your conflict as a step toward better understanding that will, in turn, lead to better relationships in the long run.
